Cue the Boston Coffee Party and the next revolution?

You might recall that the revolution that created the United States began in Boston and caffeine was involved, but RFK Jr seems to have forgotten that. He may regret not learning from history because…people don’t like their coffee messed with, especially in Massachusetts, birthplace of Dunkin’ Donuts (now just called Dunkin’).

Once upon a time, almost 250 years ago, we declared independence from England. One of the galvanizing moments leading up to that was the Boston Tea Party. Now, the event we call the Boston Tea Party isn’t exactly like history books typically make it out to be. It wasn’t truly a spontaneous uprising, taxes on teas weren’t really being increased, the ships that were attacked to obtain the tea to dump into the bay were colonial ships not English, and the tea didn’t even belong to the King.

But I digress. Tea and coffee—traditionally our major sources of caffeine (and also big parts of social interaction) are important to us. Back then, tea was the big deal in Boston; today, the “world runs on Dunkin’.”

Believe me, people in Massachusetts (and especially Boston) take their coffee from Dunkin’ seriously. Especially iced coffee. Yes, even in the winter. It’s not all that different here in Maine where I live, and you can hardly kick a rock without hitting the side of a Dunkin’. A lot of Americans in general take their coffee seriously (they were pretty mad and still are at how tariffs made prices skyrocket) and honestly a lot of people in the United States are very fond of their Dunkin’ coffee products and other coffee shops.

So, with all this history, old and new, tell me why even he with the partially worm-eaten brain—Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.—is choosing to take on Dunkin’ and also another national favorite: Starbucks?

What happened, you ask? As the Seattle Times reported, RFK Jr. has been seeking to tighten a legal/regulatory loophole that lets food companies put chemicals in their products without notifying the nation’s food regulators under the “generally recognized as safe” standard.

The basic argument from RFK Jr. and gang is that there is no scientific evidence to conclude that processed refined carbohydrates (including but not limited to high-fructose corn syrup) are “generally recognized as safe,” because they put people at risk of weight gain, heart disease and type 2 diabetes. Essentially, Secretary Brainworm wants to add sweeteners in chain coffee drinks to his list of chemicals so toxic they must be regulated even though they’re only truly problematic when people don’t exercise some level of self-restraint.

Said RFK Jr.: “We’re going to ask Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks, ‘Show us the safety data that show that it’s okay for a teenage girl to drink an iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in it. I don’t think they’re going to be able to do it.”

Tell me, Secretary Brainworm, how many other products do you want to target? Are you going to regulate and eliminate the entire candy aisle in every store? Ban potato chips? I thought the GOP was the party of freedom, dude.

Also, very hypocritical. RFK Jr.’s (and 47’s) pick for surgeon general is a woman who dropped out of her surgical residency before she gained sufficient experience to be a practicing physician and then became a holistic health influencer peddling questionable remedies. In fact, *Rolling Stone *reported that “at least five of Casey Means’ newsletter sponsors have been accused of selling products with either hazardous ingredients, unsafe levels of lead and cadmium, or even traces of a forever chemical.”

In any case, I think it’s very unwise to take on Dunkin’ and Starbucks in your opening salvo for your campaign against sugars and other carbs you don’t like, Mr. Secretary. But maybe you’re taking your cues from advisors with as little foresight as the people who let 47 believe attacking Iran for no good reason was a wise idea.

All I know is you’re about to piss off both the middle-class coffee drinkers at Starbucks and the working-class ones at Dunkin’, and that’s a bad double-team to piss off even if a lot of them weren’t Bostonians who are always ready for a fight with someone telling them what to do with their lives.

This regime needs to learn to pick its targets more intelligently, domestically and abroad.

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