My Boyfriend Regularly Spends $1000 on Dinner. This Might Be a Problem.

Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column.** Have a question? **

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. (It’s anonymous!)Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a 25-year-old man working in finance. I’ve been seeing a guy, “Dan,” who works at the same bank. I like him a lot, and we have a lot of fun together. We just went exclusive. This is exciting for me, but I’m really worried about our different approaches to money, even though we make about the same amount. Last week we went to a birthday dinner for his friend at a place I knew would end up being $1,000 per person when all was said and done. (My team goes out like this all the time, and I know what they spend—it’s ridiculous.) I had initially said I wouldn’t go, then Dan said he really wanted me there and would cover my share. I let him, but then I felt strange that he’d covered an expense I could technically afford. He said he didn’t care, but I did.

But also, I do not want to spend $1,000 on dinner! I’m the first person in my family to go to university and to make a salary like this. I am supporting my parents and paying my sister’s tuition. I’m very frugal and save every dollar I can, because there’s no safety net except for what I’ve saved. I do all this happily, this was always my plan.

Meanwhile, Dan’s life has been prep school, skiing holidays, summers abroad. He had a nanny until he was 16. He spends probably his whole paycheck each month (this is a feat): big expensive dinners, last-minute trips, lots of designer shopping.

Dan’s spending is in line with most guys I know at work. They all expect hockey-stick growth for their own earnings in life, and most of them, like Dan, have parents to fall back on.

So far, our wealth difference hasn’t really been an issue. I’ve been very clear with my goals and budget with him, and why I follow them, and he seems to respect that. But I know as we spend more time together it will be harder for me to be so rigid. I’m scared of “lifestyle creep” that will come from spending so much more time with someone who views money differently than I do. And I’m also scared he’ll resent me for being frugal. Do you have any advice for how I can navigate this?

—New Boyfriend

Dear New Boyfriend,

The good news: You’re asking exactly the right questions at exactly the right time. Most couples don’t have honest conversations about money until they’re already in trouble. You’re having them at two months in. That’s a real advantage.

First, the $1,000 dinner. You went, he covered it, you felt weird—and that discomfort is useful information. It tells you that accepting his money when you could technically afford something yourself crosses a line for you. That’s worth knowing for yourself and worth sharing with him. It’s not about the dollar amount; it’s about your sense of independence and self-respect. It’s also about recognizing what’s important to you. Those are things a good partner will understand.

On lifestyle creep: Your fear is legitimate, but the solution isn’t rigidity—it’s communication. You don’t have to match his spending to be his partner. And, he’s entitled to treat you to things he wants to do that you either may not be able to afford or don’t want to spend the money to do.

What you do need is a shared understanding of how you’ll handle situations where your approaches diverge. That means talking openly about it, which it sounds like you’ve already started doing. Keep going. Tell him that the occasional splurge together is fine, but that you don’t necessarily want to make a habit of $1,000 dinners. But you need him to genuinely mean it when he says he doesn’t care—not just say it to smooth things over. His reassurance will go a long way.

The resentment you’re worried about can go both ways. He could resent your frugality; you could resent feeling pressured or financially exposed. The only real protection against both is honesty.

You’re building something genuinely impressive on your own terms. You’re helping lift up your parents and sibling in meaningful ways. A partner worth keeping will respect that—not just tolerate it. And you’re better off finding out now which way that wind is blowing.

—Ilyce

Classic Prudie

My boyfriend has about two dozen stuffed animals. They are, apparently, the survivors of a childhood collection once numbering over 100. When asked, he can explain the individual reason for each one he saved. (Invariably it was a gift from so-and-so, a group of people that includes family and friends but no exes). Most of them are kept on a shelf in his closet, but one has a place of honor on his bed. Part of me feels like it shouldn’t be any big deal—after all, I went to college with a teddy bear, who currently resides on my nightstand. But part of me keeps fixating on the fact that he’s a man in his 20s with two dozen stuffed animals, which is hardly the norm.